Dr. John Gottman is a psychology professor at the University of Washington and the recognized authority on substantive research concerning marriage. I’ve studied a fair amount of Gottman’s research over the years and recently read his popular The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (Three Rivers Press, 1999).
Based on Gottman’s extensive research, here they are:
1. “Enhance Your Love Maps.” What does this mean? Gottman offers 6o questions for couples to ask of one another. Here’s a sampling:
“Name my two closest friends. What was I wearing when we first met? Where was I born? What stresses am I facing right now? Who is my favorite relative? What is my favorite unrealized dream? What is one of my greatest fears? What turns me on sexually? What is my favorite meal? What would I consider my ideal job? What makes me feel most competent?”
2. “Nurture Your Fondness and Admiration.” Among various exercises meant to enhance this “principle,” Gottman encourages couples to, for example, reflect, individually, at least once daily on the following:
Monday: “List one characteristic you find endearing or lovable about your partner.” Tuesday: “Pick one good time you and your partner have shared and write a sentence about it.” Wednesday: “Think about a romantic, or special time in our marriage you can easily remember.” Thursday: “Think of one physical attribute of your partner that you like.” Friday: “Write down one specific characteristic of your partner that makes you proud.”
3. “Turn Toward Each Other Instead of Away.” Here are, again, among various exercises, some True/False statements Gottman offers in the service of this “principle.” This list has 20 statements from which I’ve selected these:
“We like to do a lot of the same things. My partner tells me when s/he has had a bad day. We have many of the same dreams and goals. We tend to share the same basic values. At the end of the day my partner is glad to see me. My partner is usually interested in hearing my views. I think my partner would consider me a close friend.”
4. “Let Your Partner Influence You.” From a list of 20, here are some more selected True/False statements related to this “principle”:
“I usually learn a lot from my spouse even when we disagree. I am very persuasive and can usually win arguments with my spouse. My partner is usually too emotional. I can listen to my partner, but only to a point. My partner has a lot of common sense. I don’t reject my spouse’s opinions out of hand. If I keep trying to convince my partner, I will eventually win out. I believe in lots of give and take in our discussions.”
5. “Solve Your Solvable Problems.” Here are some more selected True/False statements (from a list of 20) which Dr. Gottman calls a “Harsh Start-Up Questionnaire”:
“My partner is often critical of me. My partner’s feelings are too easily hurt. I hate the way my partner raises an issue. When my partner complains, I feel picked on. Arguments often seem to come out of nowhere. Before I know it, we are in a fight. Often my partner complains in a smug or superior way. My spouse criticizes my personality.”
In contrast to such “Problem Start-Ups,” Gottman offers the following 7 “Start-Up Softeners”:
1. “Complain, but don’t blame. 2. Make statements that start with I instead of You. 3. Describe what is happening, don’t evaluate or judge. 4. Be clear. 5. Be polite. 6. Be appreciative. 7. Don’t store things up.”
6. “Overcome Gridlock.” Again, what does this mean? Listen to Professor Gottman’s optimistic observation.
“You want to have children, he doesn’t. She wants you to attend church with her, you’re an atheist. He’s a homebody, you’re ready for a party every night. If you feel hopelessly gridlocked over a problem that just can’t be solved, it can be cold comfort to know that other couples handle similar conflicts with aplomb, treating them the way they would a bad back or allergies. When you’re gridlocked, trying to view your differences as a kind of psychological trick knee that you can learn to cope with may seem impossible. But you can do it.
The goal in ending gridlock is not to solve the problem, but to move from gridlock to dialogue. The gridlocked conflict will probably always be a perpetual issue in your marriage, but one day you will be able to talk about it without hurting each other. You will learn to live with the problem.”
7. “Create Shared Meaning.” From a list of 20 statements which Gottman terms “Shared Symbols,” here are some other True/False selections:
“We see eye to eye about what ‘home’ means. Our philosophies of what ‘love’ ought to be are quite compatible. We have similar values about the meaning of ‘family.’ We have similar views about the role of ‘sex’ in our lives. We have similar values about the meaning of being ‘married.’ We have similar values about ‘trust.’ We have similar values about ‘personal freedom.’ We have similar values about ‘sharing power’ in our marriage. We have similar values about the meaning of having ‘possessions,’ of ‘owning’ things.”
As the title of this blog suggests, there is, of course, a difference between “marital research” and “marriage counseling.”
“Marital research” involves sustained “objective observation.” That’s what makes it “science.” It’s easy to see why a book like The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work would be a “best-seller.” Since the majority of people in our culture prefer most things to be “objective”–“absolute”–the way things either are or aren’t.
It’s simpler that way. Just do what the book advocates and your “marriage will work.”
Unfortunately, however, being “married” is a lot like playing a sport. Once you “know what to do”–“just do it.” Except that’s where “marriage counseling” comes in. Since even “knowing what to do” and “doing it” aren’t necessarily the same thing. Effective “marriage counselors” are well-trained and experienced marital “teachers, coaches–even referees.” A good “marriage counselor” is skilled at dealing with the “subjective,” as well as the “objective” in marital relationships
“Marriage counselors” engage couples in ways meant to help them “un-learn” poor “marital habits/practices” while “learning” and “practicing” more effective, successful “marital habits/practices.” Nothing is much fun if you don’t do it well. As much as people may want help in trying to change something that isn’t working, they are also often just as “resistant” to such “help” and “change.” And that doesn’t necessarily make them “bad people.”
There’s not much in our frenetic, peripatetic culture, these days, that isn’t meant to “assault marriages.” Being “married” in mutually fulfilling ways requires “focus and discipline, patience and grace.” Not to mention, in most marriages, lots of “forgiveness.” And those “disciplines” require “practice.”
