In 2009, my friend and colleague, Mitch Carnell, edited a worthy book entitled Christian Civility in an Uncivil World (Smyth and Helwys). Dr. Carnell not only wrote the Preface and the last chapter of the book (“The Power of Words”), he envisioned the project, enlisting various accomplished persons, primarily clergy-types from an array of Christian traditions, to write other chapters, such as “Civility and the Common Good,” “Christian Civility on the Internet” and “Good Manners for Public Christians.”
Mitch–the emeritus director of the Charleston (SC) Speech and Hearing Clinic, a veteran college and graduate school professor and management consultant, specializing in improved communication in the world of business and public affairs–is a Baptist layman, a faithful servant-leader in his own church. And the book grew out of his concern over such strident and polarizing attitudes, rhetoric and behavior which have come to characterize our common life these days–unfortunately, too often, even “at church.”
However, along the way of his “shepherding” the not-so-easy development of Christian Civility in an Uncivil World (as someone has said, “You can drive cattle, but you have to lead sheep”; or is such an endeavor even more like “herding cats”?), Dr. Carnell found himself dismayed at an apparent moral lapse he hardly expected.
One prominent minister, a nationally known figure, had confirmed with Mitch that s/he would write one of the book’s chapters. But as the months unfolded, along with publication deadlines, and various other chapter-writers submitted what they had agreed to, nothing from this particular minister appeared.
Not even an “I’m running behind” notice, much less a simple confession: “I’m sorry, but I made a mistake. I over-committed. I said another ‘Yes’ to something, when I already had too much on my plate.”
“That would have been sufficient,” said Dr. Carnell. “I would have understood, accepted the apology and merely proceeded to ask someone else to write the chapter–which I finally, in desperation, had to do anyway–when I found myself running out of time with the publisher, yet hadn’t heard anything” from the particular minister-in-default.
This, of course, was a low-budget venture; the various contributors signed no legal contract; there would be no lawsuits. This was a gentleman’s/gentlewoman’s agreement; a deal done with a handshake; indeed, the “worth” of “one’s word.” After all, everyone involved (including the publisher) would have claimed to be “civilized Christians”–most of whom were, in fact, clergy.
So why didn’t Mitch confront this particular minister? As I commiserated with my friend, I shared my own similar experience, including three different examples. At least a couple of times it has been job offers, assurances that turned out otherwise, when I never heard back from those who “gave me their word.” Another was my doctoral dissertation project–again, involving ministers– less than half of whom returned the evaluations they “promised” in exchange for some training I had provided. While yet another involved my own book. The publisher even sent complimentary copies to certain minister-colleagues who told me they would review the book–but didn’t.
As I shared with Dr. Carnell, I haven’t confronted everyone who promised me something they didn’t fulfill. But in the instances when I have, the response has been same: “I just didn’t want to do it.” This, indeed–not from strangers–but from persons I considered to be friends. Can one not feel “de-personalized,” even in a so-called “personal relationship”? When we feel discounted; when, as we say, someone just “blew us off.”
Observing my friend’s experience, from the perspective of my own, I find myself wondering if, perhaps, certainly “Christian civility” doesn’t have at least something to do with what anyone’s “word” is “worth.”
